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Most men spend their days struggling to evade three questions, the answers to which underlie man's every thought, feeling and action whether he is consciously aware of it or not: Where am I? How do I know it? What should I do?
By the time they are old enough to understand these questions, men believe that they know the answers. Where am I? New York City. How do I know it? It's self-evident. What should I do? Here, they are not too sure — but the usual answer is: whatever everybody does. The only trouble seems to be that they are not very active, not very confident, not very happy — and they experience, at times, a causeless fear and an undefined guilt, which they cannot explain or get rid of.
They have never discovered the fact that the trouble comes from the three unanswered questions — and that there is only one science that can answer them: philosophy.Ayn Rand, Address To The Graduating Class of The United States Military Academy at West Point New York -- March 6, 1974
Lost boys seeking direction are everywhere. They are the guys asking the third question. Some of them are just getting started:
“I know I need to live for me, but someone needs to tell me how to do that.”
Others are further along:
"I’ve transformed. I'm charming, good looking and in shape, but bored. I need something to do next, another challenge to conquer. Please give it to me."
You see the former latching onto platitudes, lists, and arbitrary tasks for self-improvement: Avoid soy. Eat meat. Don’t drink. Vote for X. Run a side hustle. Do what I did. Be like me. It worked for me!
Random categorical imperatives. Categorical imperatives are statements of value deemed too be “good” because someone said they are good, without exception or nuance. Follow the rules and you’ll become the Ubermensch. This is men acting like the orphan child latching onto whatever father figure is trending. The king is dead, long live the king. We men love to think of ourselves as individualists while desperately conforming to someone else’s program.
See how silly that is? Fulfilling someone’s checklist doesn’t make you any better, any more than doing more chores makes your wife more comfortable and willing to sleep with you. Pick goals and accomplish them. They don’t have to be perfect goals. They don’t have to be the right goals. They only have to be the right goals for you at the time. When you’re done with them, move onto something else. If they aren’t helpful anymore, drop them. No one can tell you what matters. Nietzsche was right, meaning is dead.
So, the good news. When nothing matters, the only thing that will matter is what you decide on. There is almost nothing all men agree on as being universally good. Financial freedom, sexual abundance, and physical fitness are the three we usually do agree on. Once those are achieved, once men get past all the anger from bitchy wives, overbearing bosses, bullying peers, and social stigma, they get bored. They don’t have any more villains to overcome, and they remain just as lost. Like the Ronin, they serve no Lord.
Stoicism is kicking the can down the road. At some point you have to choose. Choose what? Rational egoism. Nietzsche called it master morality. François duc de La Rochefoucauld called it virtue. Marcus Aurelius called it self-love. How best do we put that into practice? Ask yourself what you would do with your life if everyone who depended on you died tomorrow? Now go do that. Aspire to be that. You were not put on this earth to light yourself on fire to keep others warm, nor will anyone reward you for your sacrifice. They won’t even acknowledge it was a sacrifice at all. It was simply what they expected of you. And If you think being the best plow horse for a lifetime will get you that nice, warm stable as a reward in the end, you’re in for a rude awakening. Horses that no longer plow are sent to the glue factory.
There are a surprisingly large amount of guys out there who word at reconciling frame with their religion. So if you think you can sneak your prior beliefs in the back door by desperately searching the Bible, Koran, or your academic textbooks for some verses to force fit into this new frame you are doomed to either outright contradict their teachings or slink back into your previous misery by adhering to them. I have no stake in your beliefs. You can be as rational or as irrational as you want. Accept that your life will be unnecessarily volatile.
Peace one day. Chaos the next.
Everything that goes right is just what is expected of you. Everything that goes wrong is your fault. If that’s the deal, if everything is on you anyway, then you may as well deliberately and energetically live your life instead of letting life happen to you. Men tend to prefer reading and re-reading the same life story of quiet misery because even though it’s depressing as hell with a bad ending, it’s familiar. It seems to be every man’s story, and many men comfort themselves in that shared, common misery. But there’s a better way: Instead, learn to write your own life story with an unknown ending, and enjoy every single page.
Embracing rational egoism will not be easy. The altruism we were all raised on is deeply ingrained and tough to undo. But you must consciously do it. No exceptions. Otherwise, you’re going right back to the matrix. If you try to do it subconsciously, or half-assed, you will soon experience a life of volatility. Smooth sailing one day, maelstrom the next. The worst part is you’ll find it pleasurable. After all, you know how to run dread on your wife, and extinguishing each garbage fire feels like a victory…until the next one. Sisyphus would be proud if he didn’t have other things to do. Of course, you think these are your herculean tasks, so you don’t notice it’s the same boulder each time.
No one has any stake in your religious beliefs. You can be as rational or irrational as you want. No one has any stake in your success or happiness, either; but the Truth is the Truth: you ditch the altruism or you get eaten by it, fast or slow. So if you want an answer to the question, ”What do I want next?” you first have to ask yourself,
“What do I want?”
About Me
Rian Stone is a straight-talking author, speaker, and creator who’s reshaped how men approach relationships, masculinity, and success. With a sharp wit and years of hard-earned experience, he cuts through the noise to deliver no-nonsense advice that works. Rian’s work dives deep into what it takes for men to thrive in a world that’s constantly changing—covering everything from building unshakable confidence to mastering the game of life and love. Known for his unapologetic style and razor-sharp insights, Rian has built a loyal following of men who are tired of excuses and ready to take charge.
When he’s not writing or speaking, you’ll find him breaking down the unwritten rules of modern masculinity and leading by example, writing, or being acerbic on social media.
His popular "The 4th R" newsletter is sent out each week to tens of thousands of subscribers. As for the rest of his work, he's a work horse.
The non fiction work. Praxeology
The fiction work. Fuccfiles and The Dog Walker
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Big thanks for Correspondence letting me contribute. I appreciate anyone and everyone who has taken a few minutes out of their day to read and heed what I've written here. I don't take that gift lightly.
Rian, I've heard you say or write versions of this quote (see below) a few times and, geezus, it hits hard each time. Once you see it (in your own life), you can't unsee (the truth of) it. I've spent the last 30 years going through Franco's betatization process and only starting to understand "Where am I?", along with, "How did I get here?"
NGL, it is disorienting as hell to learn your perception of reality, your mental models, were so wrong. You accept you were naive AND betrayed by industrial scale social conditioning. The game is rigged (especially today, but always was) and I believe only a fraction of men will ever be willing and able to accept the reality you describe in your quote below. You have agency, but exercising it is not for the weak. Change is always hard, and harder still when those depending on you resist it.
"Ask yourself what you would do with your life if everyone who depended on you died tomorrow? Now go do that. Aspire to be that. You were not put on this earth to light yourself on fire to keep others warm, nor will anyone reward you for your sacrifice. They won’t even acknowledge it was a sacrifice at all. It was simply what they expected of you. And If you think being the best plow horse for a lifetime will get you that nice, warm stable as a reward in the end, you’re in for a rude awakening. Horses that no longer plow are sent to the glue factory."